Yearning for Psalm 131

Lord,

every time I have finally reined

in my proud heart,

it gallops off again, searching

for greatness among the ruins.

When I think finally, finally, I will only

see Your face, will only ever look

at You,

my eyes break ranks,

sweeping off in their arrogant, restless

quest for adoration.

I say I long for peace,

but I cannot seem to stop

jumping in where I’m not needed,

racing into battles You never

called me to, knowing as You do

that in my mixed-up motivations

of love and self-worship,

I will run to save the wounded

I can never hope to heal.

You patiently find me

pulling me back, bruised and broken,

to Your arms.

Why do I keep wandering into places

too difficult for me?

I do not want to know how

my devotion to You, which is real

and deep, Lord,

is mingled with haughtiness.

How I wish I could calm

and quiet my soul.

You keep coming after me,

picking me up yet again,

holding Your anxious girl tight.

But You will never force me to stay there.

You will wait until I finally, finally

stop.

Then, maybe, my heartbeat slowing

to the rhythm of Your grace,

the song You sing over me,

I will rest.

I will be held.