To my daughter on her fifteenth birthday

Daughter, 

Fifteen. I can hardly believe it. 

While you are sleeping in on your birthday, I am watching the sun rise and thinking back to when you arrived. You don’t realize it now, how much we anticipated your coming, how we longed for your arrival. After your older brother, we couldn’t seem to get pregnant again for such a long time, and when we lost a baby before you, my anguish went deep. Even your brother eventually got in on the action with his four-year old plea: “Mom, I want a baby sister.” 

“Start praying,” I told him, and he did just that, every day for weeks. I can see now how his prayers and mine, reaching the ears of your Father, must have made Him smile, as He knew what was to come. You. When I finally found out you were really on the way, I knew you were a girl. You had to be, with all those prayers. 

We didn’t have to debate long about your name. Mikayla: Gift from God. That is what you were from the very start, what you always have been and will be. Such a gift. 

Appropriately, I realized you were about to make your entrance into the world when I was standing in a crowd on Main Street listening to a music festival. You always did long to be part of the party. (But I’m glad you waited till I got to the hospital.) 

Oh, there is so much I could say about these fifteen years, about the joys of being your mom and watching you become who you are. You have brought to our quiet family such music and laughter and force of spirit. You bring us to life. 

You have a way of doing that, of showing up with all your energy and making people feel alive. You are God’s gift to people who are longing to be seen. You bring them hope (literally and otherwise ). You inspire people, draw them in, include them, and make them want to be part of the party. It takes my breath away and makes me so proud, watching you love people.

But I know. You don’t always feel seen. You don’t always feel understood or included. You doubt yourself. And you are your own worst enemy, punishing yourself for not being perfect. 

Oh, if there is one thing I could make sure you knew today, it would be this. We are all doubting ourselves, all the time. When you think you must be the only one feeling afraid, or feeling unseen, or feeling like a failure, know that every person around you is feeling the same. Those people who hurt you are trying for anything that makes them feel better about themselves, and it is sad but true: hurt people hurt people. 

There is only one way to defeat the barrage of criticism in your head. And no, it does not start with telling yourself you are good, or beautiful, or enough, or that you can do whatever you set your mind to. It starts with looking at Jesus, every single hour of every single day, and knowing that He is good. HE is beautiful. HE is enough. HE can do whatever He sets His mind to. It begins with knowing that, and then with knowing what HE thinks of you. You do mess up sometimes. You will fail. You won’t ever be perfect. And in the middle of all that, you are a GIFT. You are totally, completely adored and loved and accepted and known. And Jesus watches you like I do, and He is so, so proud. 

All this is easy to say. It takes a lifetime to learn. Sometimes it can be the hardest thing in the world to stop holding on to the lies, turn to Jesus, and give them to Him. But Jesus is so patient, and it’s the best thing in the world to learn from Him. 

So when you see the other girls staring at themselves in the mirror? Look to Jesus. Ask Him what He sees. When you find yourself comparing yourself to those around you? Ask Jesus to show you who are. When people hurt you with their rejection? Ask Jesus to show you His acceptance. When you are angry for not being perfect? Ask Jesus for His grace, the grace you are unable to offer yourself. 

All this starts with looking at Him and knowing Him first. Take your eyes off yourself, my beautiful girl, and off all those people you might be tempted to compare yourself to. Know your Jesus. Ask Him who He is. Pay attention to the answers. When you start to know Him, you will start to know your True Self. And that girl, she’s the gift I see every single day, the one you don’t always see. She’s the girl out there living life so hard and snatching every minute. She’s the girl drawing others to her by the light of the joy inside her. She’s the girl God sent us at just the right time, to bring us all hope. 

You are God’s gift, my daughter, and I couldn’t be prouder of you. I love you with all my heart.